Unlearning Struggle Love! The Black Woman’s Guide to Accepting Only the Best | Milk and Melt's Monday 2/10

Let’s talk about it, Girlfriend, we are not here to struggle for love. For too long, we’ve been fed the idea that being a “strong Black woman” means enduring pain, sacrifice, and emotional labor just to be loved. But love shouldn’t hurt. Love shouldn’t be earned through struggle, patience, or proving your worth. It should be given freely, fully, and with intention.

So why have so many of us grown up believing that we have to go through hell and back to get the love we want? Let’s break it down, unlearn those generational cursed toxic ideas, and step into the kind of love that feels safe, supportive, and worthy of you.

What is Struggle Love?

Struggle love is that relationship where you’re constantly giving, fixing, waiting, and hoping for change. It’s the idea that Black women should endure disrespect, lack of emotional support, or even financial burdens to prove their loyalty and commitment. It’s the “ride or die” mentality that tells us we have to stick it out no matter how bad it gets, even when we’re the only ones truly invested.

Struggle love looks like -

• Holding down a man who refuses to grow while waiting on his “potential.”
• Over-giving and under-receiving in relationships, constantly pouring into a man who never pours back.
• Ignoring red flags because you believe love is about sacrifice.
• Waiting for a man to “get it together” while you put your own happiness on hold.
• Confusing struggle with loyalty, thinking that proving your love means enduring pain.

This cycle has to STOP. Love shouldn’t feel like survival.

Where Did We Learn This?

The “Strong Black Woman” trope plays a huge role in why so many of us have internalized struggle love. From movies, music, and even family teachings, we’ve seen generations of Black women endure more than they should in the name of love.

• We grew up watching our grandmothers, mothers and aunties sacrifice their own happiness to hold their families together.
• We’ve heard songs that glorify standing by a man “through thick and thin” no matter what, even to the point of praising having a "piece" of an obvious triffling man verses having no man at all.... WHAT?? 
• We’ve been conditioned to believe that “good men are hard to find” and that we should be grateful for any relationship, even if it’s lacking in real love and respect.

It’s time to unlearn those messages.

What Does Healthy Love Look Like?

A healthy, fulfilling relationship is one where you feel safe, supported, and cherished. You don’t have to prove your worth because the right person will already see it. Here’s what real love should feel like -

• Mutual Effort, You’re not the only one carrying the relationship. Love flows both ways.
• Respect & Appreciation, Your needs, emotions, and boundaries are valued.
• Emotional Safety, You feel comfortable being vulnerable without fear of judgment or rejection.
• Consistency, No mixed signals, no hot-and-cold behavior, just steady, reliable love.
• Partnership, Not Parenthood: You’re not raising a grown man or fixing him. He’s already showing up as a whole person.

When love is healthy, it doesn’t drain you, it fills you up. It’s a love that flows both ways, where you feel supported, valued, and cherished. And in return, you’re able to pour back into the relationship with the kind of love that’s rooted in joy, not struggle, a love far greater than the one you once thought you had to fight for.

Breaking Free from Struggle Love

Now that we’ve called it out, let’s talk about how to unlearn struggle love and demand better.

1. Recognize Your Patterns

Ask yourself-

• Have I ever stayed in a relationship hoping a man would change?
• Do I feel like I have to prove my worth to be loved?
• Have I ignored red flags because I didn’t want to be alone?

Awareness is the first step to breaking free.

2. Stop Romanticizing Painful Love Stories

We’ve been conditioned to think struggle is part of the journey. Struggle love is not a badge of honor. You don’t need to suffer first to be worthy of happiness.

If a man constantly puts you through stress, inconsistency, or heartache, that’s not a love story, it’s a lesson to leave.

3. Set Non-Negotiables

You deserve to be loved in the way that you love. Make a list of your non-negotiables, things you will no longer tolerate in a relationship. These could be -

• Lack of emotional support
• Inconsistent effort
• Financial irresponsibility
• Lack of respect for your boundaries
• A partner who doesn’t communicate or show up for you

Having clear boundaries protects you from settling for less than you deserve.

4. Know That You’re Already Whole

Friend, you are not incomplete. A relationship should add to your life, not be the thing that makes you feel valuable. When you know your worth, you won’t entertain people who don’t treat you with care.

5. Surround Yourself with Healthy Love

If your circle normalizes struggle love, it’s time to change the conversation. Surround yourself with people who uplift you and remind you what healthy relationships look like. Follow content creators, podcasts, and books that encourage self-worth and intentional love.

You Deserve More

If you take nothing else from this, remember this, you do not have to suffer for love. Your love story does not have to be built on pain.

2025 is the year to choose ease, peace, and reciprocity. The love you deserve is out there. But first, you have to believe you deserve it. #teamsoftlife #softblackwoman

So, let’s leave struggle love in the past and step into relationships that feel aligned, fulfilling, and joyful. Because Black women deserve love that loves them back.